Help is a 4-letter Word
Periwinkle fairy offers a helping hand
Today I’m thinking about help and helping. During the pandemic, we have either needed help or offered help – or both – in more ways than ever before, and that’s perfectly understandable considering the unique situation we’ve all been in. However, many people feel ashamed to admit they need help and guilty if they ask for it. I think one reason for this is that the American ideal of “pulling yourself up by your bootstraps” has gone way too far. Sure, independence and resilience are excellent qualities. But none of us is 100% self-reliant so why are we conditioned to behave as if we are, or could be, or should be? People need people so it’s cruel that we’re left feeling embarrassed by such a commonplace human need. And so many of us and our friends and family are kind hearted, generous people who want to help us! So why can’t we just accept that help graciously? Oh, did you expect me to have an answer to that?! I don’t! I too am chronically self-sufficient even though I myself would go to the ends of the earth to help someone I care about.
But I do have a little suggestion for the would-be helpers of the world. If you really want to help someone – just help them. Don’t offer and then wait for them to take you up on it because you’re making them ask after you already offered. And to an independent person, asking can practically feel like begging! You might be putting your loved one, who’s disinclined to ask for or easily accept help, in an emotionally painful position on top of already being in a difficult position. I’ll give you a basic example: if I see a pregnant woman on the subway, I stand up and say, “here, sit down.” I do not ask her, from my seated position, if she wants to sit. Of course she wants to sit. Once I’m already standing and offering my seat, instead of asking if she wants it, it’s easier for her to accept. Since I actually want to give her my seat, I want to make it as easy as possible for her to just take it.
So, if you know someone struggling right now, and you’re willing and able to help – just help. Don’t ask them if they need groceries or diapers – just drop a bag off on their doorstep or have the supplies shipped or send them a gift card. If you know someone needs a ride to a doctor’s appointment, just tell them you’ll pick them up at a certain time. If they really don’t need the ride, it’ll be easier for them to politely decline than if you ask them if they want the ride and then wait for them to initiate a new conversation to accept. You’ll also avoid the back-and-forth of how they don’t want to bother you and are you sure you don’t mind, etc. Lastly, once you offer to help, please follow through. Your offer probably means a lot to that person even if they have trouble admitting it. Once you offer, they’re probably depending on it. You don’t want to leave them wondering if you really meant it or leave them in the uncomfortable position of having to circle back ask for that 4-letter word.
Tell me in the comments: Is it difficult for you to accept help? Why or why not? Or, what have you done lately to help someone?
